Josh Freed: Welcome to No-Vaccination Nation, a virus sensation!


Affordable Canadian excuses embrace: A) The canine ate our vaccine. B) Different nations ate our vaccine. C) The provinces used up our vaccine.

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Beep!

Hey. Thanks for calling No-Vaccination Nation, the Canadian COVID hotline.

Your name is vital to us, so please keep on the road and somebody will converse to you ultimately, finally. Possibly.

Because of excessive demand for vaccines, our traces are extraordinarily busy, though our vaccination lineups should not. So please stay on maintain and reply to those transient questions from our COVID laptop assistant.

Beep!

Robo-voice: Hello! That is Vaccination Vic, your automated private pandemic assistant. Please state your identify and the aim of your name.

Caller:  Uh, OK … I’m Annie Nervousness and I’d actually wish to get vaccinated, SOON!

Robo-voice: OK, Annie, how previous are you? Kind the reply into your telephone keyboard, please.

1) 100 to 150

2) 70 to 100

three) Different?

Beep! You answered 38, Annie … Sorry, we haven’t thought to this point into the longer term but. We’re nonetheless caught within the ’90s — however please take heed to a reassuring info bulletin from Ottawa.

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Beep.

Good day.  This can be a message from the Authorities of Canada.

“Do you know that Canada has procured extra vaccinations per particular person than another nation on the planet — not less than 10 for each Canadian, possibly 20? … We’ve misplaced depend — we’re swimming within the stuff!

“Sadly we do not need any vaccine for you at this second for a number of glorious causes, together with:

A) The canine ate our vaccine

B) Different nations ate our vaccine

C) The provinces used up our vaccine.

“Nonetheless, relaxation assured virtually a billon Canadian vaccine doses are within the mail, or a ship, or a airplane, or a manufacturing facility — or actually in the arms of different nations who’ve been vaccinated.

“We’re busy finding the lacking doses utilizing particular vaccine-sniffing canines — and they need to present up any day.”

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Beep!  We interrupt this message for an equal time message requested by the Authorities of Quebec.

“Bonjour — That is Premier François Legault! I resent the point out of the phrases “the provinces” in that embarrassing checklist of excuses from Ottawa.

“We Quebecers are dealing with all our vaccines completely — however to this point Ottawa has solely despatched us three flimsy syringes and 11 doses.

C’est la faute du fédéral.

“Nonetheless my fellow Quebecers, I’m sorry for the delay. Whereas ready in your pictures please stay on maintain and in your properties watching TV, baking bread and doing different actions that don’t violate our “What Not To Do In Quebec This Week” web site.

“My félicitations Quebecers! Our case numbers are falling and as a reward you could have a haircut and manicure this week.

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“But it surely’s finest to rush. If our case numbers go up, we are going to improve restrictions once more, together with no interprovincial journey, no extra haircuts and no TV time allowed after eight p.m.

“Now everybody, please wash your palms!”

That was a message was from the federal government of Quebec. It was sponsored by Loto-Québec’s thrilling new sport: “Vaccination Roulette.” 

Please press 2 to return to the principle menu of No-Vaccination Nation.

Beep! Hey there! It’s Vaccination Vic once more — welcome again! Our traces are nonetheless busy, so when you’re ready please reply these questions to finish your well being file.

Query 1: Are you at the moment a member of certainly one of quite a few skilled teams lobbying the federal government to be vaccinated forward of others? This contains:

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A) Exhausted well being care employees.

B) Exhausted academics, exhausted bus drivers, exhausted waiters, exhausted Uber drivers, exhausted grocery store clerks, bartenders, barbers, and busboys.

C) Exhausted residents.

Query 2: Do you’ve an underlying well being situation which will make having a vaccination extra pressing? If that’s the case, please sort its identify into your telephone keyboard.

Beep! You’ve gotten typed “d-a-n-d-r-u-f-f.”

Thanks. Given your situation, if a vaccine turns into out there would you settle for:

A) Solely Oxford, Pfizer or Modena vaccines?

B) AstraZeneca, or Johnson&Johnson vaccines, too?

C) Russian, Chinese language, Lithuanian, North Korean, Antarctic or Galapagos Island in-development vaccines?

D) No vaccine in any respect, because you consider COVID-19 is a hoax by the key Deep State International Authorities run by pedophiles planning to manage us all, eternally.

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Beep!

Information Replace: Canada has introduced that we’ve got simply uh … er … borrowed over two million vaccine doses from COVAX — the worldwide vaccination program we contributed to so poor nations wouldn’t get left behind.

Sorry COVAX. However hey, Canada! — we must always have heaps extra doses out there quickly.

Annie Nervousness: OK, nice! So when can I get my shot?

Beep! Sorry, we can not make any appointments now. However relaxation assured we are going to name you as quickly as our canines find these vaccines.

Don’t fear, that is Canada. We’ll muddle by way of, one way or the other.

joshfreed49@gmail.com

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